Rev. Erudite Redneck, B.S., B.S., M.A., M.Div.

It's the start of Dust Bowl II. Did you see the film of the fire tornado down in the southern part of the state the other day? A true pillar of fire. Scary!
 

I attribute it to all the hot air coming from ER's blog. He he he he he.

I'm a card. Ten of clubs, I think.
 

Teditor, I can say this without fear of contradiction. You, my dear, are the Joker.
 

Global warming. Yup.

Hope your writing is productive, ER.

And I forgot to say that all those prayers spoke to me in the previous post.

SuperB
 

All I can say is that John Kerry would have prevented this weather had he been elected President.
 

Snowed in Hawaii Monday:

http://www.clickondetroit.com/weather/6377419/detail.html

Not sure what that means. Not familiar with an expression such as "when paradise freezes over."
 

Dear Lord, we are so very sorry we screwed this all up.
After our 1936 fiasco in Oklahoma we should have oughta let it all gone to grass and let the buffalo have at it. But no my farmer father and everybody else dug the wells and irrigated the s**t out of the soil.
Done good for a time, now we're putting in more than we take out. Not good math much less economics.
Cost of food and fuel in America is artificially low, now the weather will tax the ability of America to produce enough of both and we will eventually have to pay the actual tariff instead of the subsidy.
Normal cycle, yep we understand it's probably tis so, but add on the stress of the increase in global temperature and the cycle stretches longer and farther on one side and quicker and shorter on the other. Then comes a tipping point, and over we go. So we have screwed the Gulf Stream Currents, and messed with the El Nino Currents and hokus pokus the rise in temperature causes.......
well God, only you know what.
God, just please don't let's have any major volcanic eruptions to add to this.
Amen!
 

God wants this to be a chocolate universe.
 

WASHINGTON, DC—A National Weather Service advisory predicting that graphic blood storms will touch ground in the southern U.S. Wednesday is being met with numb resignation by weather-weary Americans.

"Guess I should go buy some plastic tarps and cover up the house, or what remains of it," said Scott Huster of Waveland, MS, echoing the sentiments of a nation battered in recent months by a succession of violent hurricanes, tropical storms, and tornadoes.

According to the advisory, clouds of pure blood have congealed in the atmosphere above Port-au-Prince, Haiti and are heading north at speeds of up to 80 miles per hour. NWS meteorologists predict that the unprecedented storm will splatter most of the Gulf states and West Coast by Friday.

"I suppose I'll have to cancel the barbecue," said Larry Milhouse of Kiln, MS.

Meteorologists are predicting an epic storm of biblical proportions, marked by bullet-velocity winds and flash blooding in low-lying areas. In the Great Lakes and New England states, blood may even coagulate and freeze into softball-sized clot-hail, shattering windows, damaging roofs, and triggering massive blockages on roads and highways.

"Blood-hail can't be any worse than the early thaw in spring," Vermont mother of four Stacey Boswell said. "Still, I'd better take the clothes off the line."

During a Monday night press conference, acting FEMA Director R. David Paulison recommended that citizens of the Southwest evacuate the area immediately, in order to avoid bile blizzards and packs of marauding wolves.

"We recommend that people stay indoors during the storms," Paulison said. "In addition to gale-force winds, the blood storms carry multiple forms of bacteria and disease, such as Hepatitis B."

Georgia resident James Treadwell had a characteristic response to the warnings.

"I'll just put on some extra-thick boots," Treadwell said. "I'll get an umbrella, and cover up my open cuts."

Naples, FL resident Kathy English said she is determined not to let the gruesome weather disrupt her everyday routine.

"I'm not that worried—at least the blood's supposed to be warm, unlike the sleet that got us last fall," said English, a dog-walker who does not expect a decline in her business during the storm. "Plus, it's only supposed to be a Category 3 blood storm."

According to NWS spokesperson Joe Colby, the worst blood storm conceivable is a Category 5 on the Saffir-Savini Meteorosanguinity Scale. In this type of storm, bubbling, boiling blood the consistency of corn syrup pours from the skies, scalding every exposed living thing and sparking fires.

Although FEMA officials have encouraged citizens to evacuate to Canada, many Americans have opted to wait it out.

"I've driven in the early-season blizzards for the past three weeks—how much worse can a little blood be?" said Indiana resident Clark Merrit. "I also worked in a slaughterhouse for 20 years, and trust me, you get used to the smell."

The storm is expected to just miss the Pacific Northwest, a fact that greatly relieves residents there, who are gearing up for a possible shitstorm this weekend.
 

I predict it will all coagulate before it gets this far.
 

Great. Blood hail. How biblical.
 

After I read two seperate stories in today's paper about how today was, statistically speaking, "the most depressing day of the year", I looked up and noticed how gorgeous it was outside. It stayed that way all day.
 

I had a pretty good day, all in all, myself. Although weatherwise, I prefer my January highs to be in the 20s, not the dadgum 60s.

Besides that, work had me obligated to be at a breakfast meeting at 7 this mornin' some 20 miles and 45 minutes from the house.

Which means I had to be up by 5:45 a.m. -- on purpose.

Holy heaving*. I still think I should be doin' somethin' involvin' a hoe or a cow or somethin' if I have to get up that early.

*10 Coveted Redneck(tm) points to anyone who can define what heaving is, in the sense implied above. :-) An extra 3 points if you can cite a source.
 

WASHINGTON, DC—Braving balmy temperatures and sunny skies, millions of scarfless snowmen and snowwomen gathered in cities across the world Tuesday to raise public awareness about the heavy toll global warming is taking on their health and well-being.

From The Onion:

http://www.theonion.com
/content/node/44676
 

I am almost afraid to try to answer this question, mainly because of the redneck points aspect, which confuses me as to what you think it means. So I'll give you the Sunday morning answer first and the Saturday night answer second.

Sunday morning answer:
A sigh of holy frustration or resignation. Not unlike your mother must have done a thousand times with you ER.
Source: note verse 34
Mark 7:
31And again, departing from the coasts of Tyre and Sidon, he came unto the sea of Galilee, through the midst of the coasts of Decapolis.

32And they bring unto him one that was deaf, and had an impediment in his speech; and they beseech him to put his hand upon him.

33And he took him aside from the multitude, and put his fingers into his ears, and he spit, and touched his tongue;

34And looking up to heaven, he sighed, and saith unto him, Ephphatha, that is, Be opened.

35And straightway his ears were opened, and the string of his tongue was loosed, and he spake plain.

The Saturday night answer:

A series of extended deep sighs often having to do with chest breast nipples and such during a climax.

Source: Elmer Gantry and/or Robin in Batman

Now if one of these aint whacha ment, I would sure love to hear your version.
 

!!! LOL

Drlobo, I meant "heaving" in the crop sense, considerin' that we were talkin' about the weather.

Hoo boy. If you answer it now, you get docked 5 points for sheer weirdness. Hoo hoo.
 

You mean gulley washer?
Context may have everything to do with Paul, but I've not notice you limited by it? :}
Holy heaving Batman, did you just mean a heavy rain?
 

Holy heaving frog stangler Batman I tried to look this one up to find a source. I've heard many times of heaving rain, and as you see, I've heard of holy heaving, but not holy heaving rain. Maybe holy heaving in the rain though? Wierd? Mr Pot, my name is Mr. Kettle, look here in this mirror.
 

When crops heave, doesn't that mean they are lifted out of the soil? I've most often heard of a heaving frost, but I'm sure a heany rain could fill all the air pockets in the soil and heave crops as well.

Please to explain, sir.
 

ER where are you?
Out heaving somewhere?
 

If he got up at 5:45, he's probably napping in his car at lunch time.
 

Trixie wins 10 Coveted Redneck Points(tm)!

A bunch of young winter wheat -- I mean hundreds of acres of it -- got hove plumb out of the ground once when I was covering ag in Montague County, Texas. Oddest thing I'd ever seen -- or the farmers, either.

County ag agent said it looked like "soil heaving," which none of the farmers had heard of. He, however, being a smart guy and having actually studied soil scince at Texas A&M, knew it when he saw it, and brought the dang book out to a field-day meeting to show the doubters.

One of the more obscure and fun stories I ever did.

The following comes from:
http://aradece.tripod.com/
Wrapping_things_up_for_the_winter.htm

Soil heaving happens when you have temperature fluctuations, one day it freezes hard, the next it thaws. This heaving can push shallow plant roots up out of the soil, leaving them exposed to cold and desiccation (drying out completely). This affects new and shallow-rooted plants the most. First year perennials can be totally wiped out when this happens.
 

Yes soil heaving generally happens at high altitudes or high latitudes, so what's that got to do with "holy" heaving. I think you stretched it a might there, to come up with this. But good work to Trixie for her "insight".
Holy heaving Batman the petunias are dead.
 

Hey, little insight here other than being the product of a long, long line of farmers.
 

I am laughing so hard that I have to wipe the tears from my eyes. Which is drawing stares as I am AT WORK.

That'll learn me to read ER at work.

Bloodstorms. Then holy heaving crops. Good Lord.

SuperB
 

Just a thought, when chicken crops heave does that mean that they are excited?
 

Ew. "Next up on today's Martha Stewart: Heaving Chicken Bosoms!"
 

Gee whillickers! I just meant "holy" as in the first part of a common exclamation, such as "holy smoke," holy mackerel" or "holy moly."

Great Ceaser's ghost! (so to speak).

:-) SuperB, I've always wanted to start a redneck version of The Onion.

I'd call it. The Vidalia.

Quick 1 Coveted Redneck Point(tm) to the first to tell me why that's amusing!
 

'Cuz a Vidalia is a sweet Southern onion??
 

Another CRP for Trixie!
 

Vidalia! Bwahahahaha!

SuperB
 

Uh, I thought Vidalia was a small town in Louisiana.
 

Might be, Teditor, but it's a Georgia sweet onion, too. :-)

Texans come close, but not all the wy, with their Texas A&M 1015Y onion. Needs a better name, for damn sure.
 

Wierdness? I liked my holy heavings, both are real and correct by the way. "Holy heaving" has specific meaning, not one made up by a redneck word mangler. Wierdness? Grump grump grump!
So what, I am negative 5 CRP's?
Think I'll try for minus 10. Wierds a comin.
 

Coulda, shoulda, woulda - but I could've had all 11 of those points if I'd have been around earlier.

I dated a girl from Vidalia, GA. I thought we were gonna get hitched, but it didn't happen. We had the date set and everything. Tore this ole country boy up. Anyway, from what I remember, Vidalia was a gorgeous place.
 

Speaking of holy heavings, I dated a girl from Valdosta Ga., but she was a peach not an onion.
 

Good'un, techrep.

I dated a rancher's daughter from Vici, Okla., population 3 (not really, but not far off); she was a barrel racer and she gave new meanin' to the phrase "run the cloverleaf." ;-)
 

Vici? Barrel racer? Say, her mother's name wouldn't be 'Lila Jill' by chance?
 

Someone has it in for you folks; If it isn't a draught then it's tornados, if it isn't tornados it's wild fires. Move to the midwest or east coast and be done with it.
 

Might as well stick around, most of the state has already burned, nothin left worry about .
 

Oh, but Toad ... real estate prices are SOOOOO good here! We can't afford to move!
 

We are trapped, indeed.