Rev. Erudite Redneck, B.S., B.S., M.A., M.Div.

ER, that is so ...

I won't say in public, but ...

I just can't say. For the sake of political correctness, check your e-mail
 

That's just so gay. :-)
 

Bite my black ass. Ehhh!
 

ER: "I think my black cat is gay."

Stan: "Dude, your cat is so gay."

ER: "I said that already."

Cartman: "I want some Cheezy-Poofs."
 

Teditor, et al:

So, who made Y'ALL the "gay police?" A psychologist in a former life, I only usually saw such vitriolic anti-gay commentary from latent homosexuals in denial.

Or, I might hear such stupidity out of ugly, hairy (and usually pasty and fat) homophobes who were so scared that "gayness" might rub off on them, they chose to be offensive as a defense mechanism (as oxymoronic as that sounds).

Now, homophobes in this category are usually the kind of guys that NO guy (nor girl) would ever hit on in the first place and their real anger is displaced on others, of differing sexual persuasions because their only sexual partner is their dominant hand.

Or perhaps you're a redneckophobe, as opposed to a homophobe, or a feliphobe, or a santaphobe, or maybe you're just a mean old,nasty, bunch of bah-humbug grinches.

So, whether you're anti-cat or anti-redneck or anti-gay or anti-Christmas, we might be able to find a pill for that. Or, we could wax your backs. Or teach you some vocabulary. Or even grant that you aren't at fault because you didn't have good mothering.

But methinks we can't blame mothers here -- I'm more than certain that your mother told you that if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all; I bet you're just assholes. teditor, how's it feel to be at the head of a pack of foul-mouthed, ugly, wizened sphincters?
 

Well, anon, truth be told, I didn't say anything as you described on this blog. Thought it? Sure. It's a funny quote from a funny show.

Homophobic? Nah, not at all. I have friends that are gay, and one friend in particular that I feel sorry for -- not because he's gay but that he lives in Small Town, America, and can't find anyone to love ... or just have sex with.

The man just wants to blow somebody. Is that such a crime? (By the way, Will & Grace and several gay comedians resort to much worse stereotypical analogies than ANYTHING ever used here.)

Foul-mouthed? Hmmm. Let me think on that.

Ugly? When did you see my photograph? I'll give ya that one.

Wizened shincter? Hey, it contracts after a big poop just like everyone else's. Tis not withered at all. Sometimes abused, especially after Mexican food or chili, but not withered.

To be the head of the class? Hell, I'm honored.

Foul mouthed? Oops, I just used hell. Yep, I'm foul mouthed. Or, to be correct, foul-mouthed.

Now to look at your phrasing in all it's glory, I'll reply kindly:

My sphincter is not foul-mouthed, but it can be rendered foul on occassion.

My sphincer IS ugly. Don't know many that aren't.

As said before, my sphincter isn't wizened. But if you'd like to see for yourself, I'll be happy to take you up on the offer.

Oh, and to answer your first question: Never heard of gay police. Heard of gay policemen and policewomen, but not gay police. Sounds like a fun job if you're into that sort of thing.

And in summary, I am not a homophobe, though I was when I was younger and didn't 1) know any gay people and 2) didn't understand homosexuality. Now as an aging man, I recognize that some people can actually fall in love with someone of the same sex and be perfectly content.

Do I sometimes speak out of turn and, in an effort to be funny, say something I shouldn't? Yes. And while things written here are implied, I wrote nothing derogatory toward homosexuals on this thread.

But I'm still damned proud to be the head of something, even if it's being a foul-mouth sphincter.

:-)
 

Thanks to you guys I now know that there are six different sphincter muscles in the body.

1.Anus
2.Cardia, at the upper portion of the stomach
3.Sphincter urethrae, or Urethral sphincter
4.Pyloric sphincter, at the lower end of the stomach
5.Sphincter pupillae, or Pupillary sphincter, belonging to the iris in the eye
6.Sphincter of Oddi, or Glisson's sphincter, controlling secretions from the liver, pancreas and gall bladder into the duodenum.
I am especially intrigued about the sphincter of Oddi.

This such an enlightening blog, I just can't tell you how much.
 

Sphincter pupillae:

Well, Drlobojo, wink wink.
 

I think it's hilarious and charming that you're so in love with that kittycat.
 

How old is this feline? Kinda scrawny isn't it.

I got a one eyed, half deaf, 16 lb orange striped cat named Vern that's more like the redneck cat you need. Vern, or Vernon when he is being bad, which is too often, is the kind of cat that visits when he wants to, sleeps where he wants to, and has made his one and his last trip to the Vet. He has a meow that is several decibles above tolerable and sounds like: meraouwnah! If I can catch him, shall I bring him over and dump him in your back yard. Doesn't Ice-T need a playmate.

And Teditor, a pupillary sphincter movement back atcha. ;)
 

Ehhh! I am puzzled as to how I stirred up so much angst. I guess it always happens. A black cat catches a break and "the man" tries to tear him down!

B, I do have ER wrapped around my little paw! He did let me have some chicken from the pot!

Drlobojo, If I am a lightweight, it's probably because I was malnourished as a little kitten and was very sick when the ERs took me in. But I'm only 7 months or so old, as near as I can tell, so I might fill out some more.

Drlobo, you should keep Vern. The two dogs that live in our back yard are about all I can handle as it is.
 

I-T, Ask for Salmon, don't take anything less. If they get persnickety about it, demand fresh salmon only. That will fill you out and "beef" you up fast. The felinas out there don't like 9.9 lb weakings. With or with your balls your gonna want to check them out. Oh yes, lose that purple collar and turqoise tag, they are ruining your projected persona. You can scrape them off with any low hanging limb, and don't forget to bury them. Scratch out a poop pit(outside, not in the litter box) put them in it, poop over them and then cover. They will never find them.

I-T, based on his scars and disposition, Vernon can handle the two dogs for you anytime. Think about it.
 

Drlobo, I will have you know that I am as confident in my orientation as ER is. I like purple. So bite me.

ER has taught me well. Ehhh!
 

Oops, Ice-T's real personality has been revealed. Damn blogger! :-)
 

As confident as ER? Hmmm. :)

Nice photos!
 

Crap! Ehhh!
 

ER, those photos are so gay: lighthearted and carefree.

ER, those photos are so gay: cheerful and pleasurable.

ER, those photos are so gay: brightly colored stocking and such.

Ah, dictionaries are wonderful things.
 

"Don we now our gay apparel; fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-LAAAAAA!"
 

Ehhh Ehhh Ehhh Ehhh Ehhh,
Ehhh Ehhh Ehhh Ehhh!!!

Teditor: I can't read!!! I thought you were questioning my sexycatness!
 

Ice-T said,
"Drlobo, I will have you know that I am as confident in my orientation as ER is. I like purple. So bite me."

I would pick another role model If I were you I-T. "So Bite Me", I've eaten a lot of small animals over my life time, squrriel, oppossum,
racoon, muskrat, and dog roasted, fried, and stewed; cat would be a very interesting addition to my list of things eaten. I'll take you up on that Ice-T, fatten up a bit, and I'll be around :)yum.
 

You've probably eaten cat, actually, if you've eaten at enough out-of-the-way non-mall Chinese joints.

Meow meow gai pan.
 

Meow meow gai pan: You're effing hilarious today, ER. did you drink the water at Taco Bueno today? You're usually witty and all, but today seems to be an exception.

Of course, you're not near as funny as that damn kitty. And I doubt you're as tasty. Is that what's on the menu for Christmas? Ice-T kabobs?

"We'll have a gay old time ..."
 

Meow-meow gain pan!

Now that's funny, I don't care who ya are ...
 

Yes. Yes it is. In a sick kind of "I'll never eat sweet & sour again" kind of way.

Poor Ice-T.
 

I-T, I'll just have to deep fry you and see if you taste like my Sweet and Sour Chicken did last time did last time.
Here kitty kitty.

In Ice T's case it might more properly be: Meow, Meow, Gay Pan.
Now that's funny.
 

Y'all just keep on, and I'll open up a kitty-sized can of Ass Whup(r) on you'ns. I got street cred and country gumption -- and I know how to use both.
 

Country Gumption? Wasn't that a song in the 1970s?

"We like both kinds of music. Country AND western."
 

And as a good Democat, I'm offended at y'alls' light-making at the expense of our gay friends.
 

Teditor, yer thinking of "Country Bumpkin," by Cal Smith, who was from Gans, OK, four miles from my own hometown.
 

Damn! I thought we were making fun of you.
 

Hey. I was just getting into the holiday spirit.
 

Dang it! Ice-T said this:

And as a good Democat, I'm offended at y'alls' light-making at the expense of our gay friends.
 

I-T,how can a cat that has never been outside the limits of a city have country gumption. And when you say our gay friends, do you mean for "our" you and the dogs and in that you only associate with yourself and the dogs does that mean one of yous is offended?
Say I-T can you come over to my house for a chinese meal?
 

I get my country gumption from my chief of staff, ER.

And I will pass on the chinese meal, especially at your place!

Reminds me of a Bugs Bunny cartoon that ER let me watch where Bugs got invited "for dinner." Uhhh-uh. No way.
 

Drlobojo,

I got a recipe from an Asian housekeeper, ala "Courtship of Eddie's Father", that tells the ideal way to cook a cat.

The housekeeper, I'll call her "Miss Kitty", says to boiling will help when it's time to "clean" the feline. Then you can do anything you wish.

The long, skinny legs aren't good for baking or frying, but they make for a good base for soup.
 

Chicken fried Ice-T. MMmm. Battered. Cream gravy. Side of green beans, baked potato and a house salad with bleu cheese dressing.
 

I stand by my earlier statement, that a hetero man who admits he loves his cat has an admirable confidence in his own masculinity. And the admirable wisdom to not care what everyone else thinks.

Yay, Ice T! Love that last photo.
 

Miss Celllania, no one is any more surprised that ER has been smitten by a kitte than ... my ER.
 

Look, Miss Cellina, I'm not questioning ER's masculinity. Far from it. He's hairier than Sasquatch, 'cept on top of his head. That's a sure sign of masculinity.

I'm saying having a CAT be a guest blogger is "carefree and lighthearted."
 

LOL, Teditor.

I also feel like I can ride a bicycle! and swim! and climb a mountain! and all the other stuff the tampon commercials used to say you got to do if you used 'em!
 

Holy crap, Miss C.! I thougbt you were cute -- or "cude," as Rudolph says -- by yer last picture!

Yer new one shows that you are pure-dee h-o-t! ;-)

Probably t-r-o-u-b-l-e, too! :-)
 

My question to you, ER, is exactly how do you hide your tampon? I mean, most women carry their purses into the ladies room to conceal their protection.

Is that what you kept in your Copenhagen can all these years?

Oh, and Miss Cellina is hot. Good thing for her that you're married to an equally hot chick, otherwise she'd have to deal with a redneck in heat.
 

Yellow alert.

Tone it down, Teditor.
 

Oh, kiss Teditor's butt, ER