Friday, November 28, 2008


Secretary to Peoples

That should be its name and function instead of Secretary of State.

Failed states, failing states, wilderness areas where tribes and warlords rule -- most of the geographic spots on the globes where trouble comes to us have no effective "state" for this country to deal with.

If there *is* a functioning state, then deal with it. If not, Secretary to Peoples. That's the ticket.


So, Erudite Redneck, I've finally tracked you down. Clever of you to move across the state line to avoid the vengeance of the Loney Mountain Clan.

You Rednecks think yall are really something, with your VCR's and cassette tapes and shoe wearing and whatnot. Well, the wheels of justice might move slow, but they grind...wait...the wheels of justice mind grind sometimes, but they always, that's not it either. Well, you know what I mean.

The valley below Loney Mountain was gotten in a dirty deal by you Rednecks. As us Loneys are gentlemen, it was decided that rights to the land would be determined by a time-honored 'leap-frog' off. Your ancestors knew darn well that they couldn't use midgets or basketball players, and they had both, and we got trounced. And before we knew it we had lost the valley, and what used to be our peaceful valley was flooded with you blue-blooded Rednecks with all your fancy doublewides and indoor plumbing. Yall ran in public water pipes and wired up electrical poles. You cleaned up all our trash dumps in favor of 'garbage pickup' and recyclating. Yall shut down leech healers and blood lettin and yall even replaced our shotgun posses with star wearin law people. The revenuers even did away with our tonic makin'. All your backwards ways has left us Loneys with only a small snort remainin of our respectabled heritage.

And just when us Loneys had hatched us a plan to get our valley back, you, Erudite, go and move off. Well, you can run, but you can't hide...well maybe you can hide, but we'll find you...well, maybe we won't be able to find you seeing as how we aint got no cars and besides me we aint got too many readin types...but if we did, boy you'd be in a heap of trouble... well, maybe not a heap, but more like a peck or a spot... well actually, it probably wouldn't be that either, seeing as how we aint much on fightin or word fussin...we'd likely just give you an odd look or two, followed by a fast retreat...but trust me, you'd never forget it. Well, you might would if you didn't notice us...ok, if you see a real tall skinny fellar with a vestigial tail and a real thick crop of backhair givin you a weird look, that's me...please make a note of it.

Wait a minute, I think the leader of the Rednecks was named Elijah, not Erudite. Mmmm...yeah, it was Elijah. I don't know why I thought it was Erudite. I guess all that squawkin was for nothin'. I'm feelin kinda silly now. My bad...carry on.

William T. Loney, MD don't happen to know Elijah's address do you? BTW, if you or yours is needin any inexpensive and unlicensed medical procedures of a cosmetic nature done, give me a holler. I focalize in cankle reduction...ask for the 'Hillary' special.
Whoa. I'm either kin to this feller, or I wrote this my ownself whall tanked up on Dickel and I don't 'member. Hoo hoo!
Oh, I like him. Can we keep him?
Excessive drinking...failure to remember activities performed while snookered...telltale traits of the Redneck Clan. So Elijah, you think changing your name to Erudite could throw me off the trail, do ya? Know this...what goes around comes around, and when it does, the goose and the gander...wait, that's wrong... fool me once and its ashame, fool me twice, everybody knows your name...dang! how's that go?... when the tough gets going, the going gets left...dammit! you're are lucky that I have CCD,(Common Cliche' Disorder), or I would say something really snippy and sarcastical, but being unable to do that, I'll just make a really mean face with a steely glare...(I'm doing that right now, but since I won't be doing that when you read this, I guess it sorta loses its effect, huh? thwarted again! damn you Erudite Elijah Redneck!)

Sorry about the profanity ER, its just you Rednecks bring out the angriosity in know, first the Leap-frog incident and now this.

I think I better go cool off with a lil' hoochachino-latte.

William T. Loney, MD
So Trixie,

Do ya like tall, hairy, vestigial tail having type? And are you really a chicken, cause I think we passed some laws here on Loney Mountain against that kind of stuff, though it was a close vote.

William T. Loney M.D.
Cuz, don't sweat it. A little mild profanity is good for conversatin'. Ya got me thinkin' wonderin' which state line you mighta been referrin' to -- probably Arkansas, since them uppity native Texans, believin' that tripe about Texas bein a whole nuther country, call it the "border" 'stead of the state line. Hmmm.

Trixie, I reckon we can keep 'im, if he don't shed too much and can at least make it to the tile and not poop on the new carpet.
Yeeks. Of course, he's better than some I could name hanging out around here.

I detect multiple puns in the name, but shall leave that aside for the moment.

Anyway, I think he should be welcomed with open arms and a good lint roller.
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