Thursday, October 23, 2008


Haunted White House

So, last night Dr. ER and I watched a great old classic horror flick, "House on Haunted Hill" -- complete with an acid pit! skeletons! hangings! monsters! and Vincent Price himself!

The house was supposed to have been haunted by people who had been murdered there.

It got me to thinkin' about what kinds of ghosts the White House might really have. Here are some ideas.

Weeping Jackson -- an eternity of grief for Andrew Jackson, who executed the Trails of Tears.

Johnson's Inner Demons.

Carter's Malaise -- A "Dementors"-type monster (a la "Harry Potter") that sucks the hope out of all who come near.

Nixon's China -- A godless omnivore in coat and tails, a creature that pretends to be civilized but really is a dangerous monster. Since we mighta been better off just leaving China backward and closed off to the rest of the world.

Y'all go. How might the White House really be haunted?


Warren Harding, Ulysses Grant, Richard Nixon, and Millard Fillmore are all drinking together while they play cards. William Howard Taft is eternally stuck in the WH bathtub, screaming for help to get out. Abraham Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt commiserate on the state of the Republican Party while Ronald Reagan looks on sadly because he isn't invited to mourn the death of the GOP.
I can see Abe Lincoln with little Willie sitting on his lap as he reads him a story. Willie looks up and says, I'm so happy Poppa that you staid here with me. So am I, Abe replies. Around them listening intently to the story are several score of Presidential cats and kittens, and a dozen Presidential dogs, and one pony and a baby buffalo, who've died in the White House. Lincoln loved animals, especailly kittens.
Now that's a ghost story.
Lincoln was a cat person? That seals it. I am *not* a cat person.


That *is* a ghost story, tho.
Oooohhh. Timely, and fun!
I'll try to keep with your style here:

Teddy Roosevelt's "Big Stick" clicking and clacking around like an extra special effect on "The Addams Family."

Hillary's "Vast Right-wing Conspiracy" emanating, like the phantasmagoric vapor from "The Fog," out from under certain White House desks.

Nancy Reagan's Astrologer: greeting you at the door like Shirley Maclaine at the Past Lives Pavilion in "Defending Your Life"

William H. Harrison's Inaugural "Cold Wind", blowing like the dead are near in "The Sixth Sense."

Buchanan's "Lame Duck", flapping around the Oval Office as the country splits in half.
Dthose are great!
Ohh, here's another one:

(Who's buried in) Grant's Tomb!

It'd come and go from the shadows of the Ellipse.
Nixon's missing ten minutes, repeating over and over just below an audible level somwhere in the next room.
A headless, armless and legless hovering blue dress, with glow-in-the-dark stains.

Well, I guess it wouldn't be "headless" -- snort.

("Bad ER! Bad!")
A spray bottle of Oxyclean floating around looking for a blue dress with a stain to be reomoved.
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