Sunday, January 07, 2007

 

It's a whole new ballgame

With Mama ER.

And it kicked me in the teeth and gut so hard that after stopping by here, the hospital, right after church today I went home and slept hard, in self-defense, for a few hours while Dr. ER and Big Brudder sat with her.

My heart broke. It's being patched.

Thanks to Mr. D, at church, who stops by this blog a lot, who made sure I saw him this morning and got a handshake and hug -- and to Mrs. D, too. But I confess I was in such an exhausted emotional daze this morning, I'm not sure who I saw and talked to.

Dr. ER asked me about church, and all I could say was: "Words. Music." I needed to be there, in the presense of mine friends, brothers and sisters. I've said it before: The place drips with Grace. That's what I needed.

Now: Cowboying up.

A CAT scan yesterday showed no hemmorhage ... hemor ... hemmer ... dang it, somebody else look it up -- no bleeding in the brain. A CAT scan tomorrow will determine whether it was, in fact, a stroke and, if so, how severe.

She's over there now, moving around her right hand and arm.

Looked like she was sprinkling flour and patting down dough. Then she kept picking up the edge of her blankie, and it looked like she was hanging laundry on a clothesline. She's dreaming.

She knew Dr. ER and Big Brudder were here all day, and she made us all a smoochy face when asked. ... Damn it to hell, this is hard. Damn eyes are leaking.

... Ahem. Saw the doc in the cafe earlier. He said, and this is a significant shift: "We're doing what we can. I'm ready for her to act more like 60 than 84. Hang in there, pardner. We're doing what we can."

The italed parts are what's new. A sign that the doc, for all his ability, is now doing what I tried and failed to do last night: Putting Mama ER in God's hands.

I did that last night, then took her back -- and I know this is just a metaphor for how we human beans *deal* with this kind of thing, because He really does have the whole world in His hands, one person, one heart, one life at a time.

Made me think of a line I picked up years ago from a Baptist preacher.

We are to make our lives living sacrifices to God. The problem with living sacrifices is they sometimes crawl off the altar. It's an on-and-off thing with me, as it is with anyone who's honest.

Tonight, me and Mama ER are on.

--ER

Comments:
Aw, dammit, don't look now, but you've even got atheists praying for you and Mama ER. For her to start feeling/getting better, and for the strength for you to hang in there. And if cowboying up is how you best handle it, then for you to be able to keep doing that.
 
I barely know ye, ER. But I'm feelin your pain already. My prayers are for Mama ER to recover, and for you and your family to find peace as the docs work to let miracles happen.
 
Will be keeping her and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs from California.
 
ER, my friend, God bless you. No matter what happens for your mother, what God has in store next, you ALL are in my prayers and will continue to be so.

This is a scary time, and I applaud you for putting it into words for us to see. That, too, is scary -- opening that can that contains your heart in such a trying time.

Take time to tell your mama how much you love her, remind yourself how wonderful your relationship is with her, live your life to the fullest.

God bless you, ER. God bless your family.
 
Thanks, y'all, 'specially you S. Witch. I think atheist prayers are the best. I mean it.

Thank God for Keith Green, too. Died in a plane crash in 1982. I rediscovered his music while Christmas shopping.

These words are his. I doubt the song's online, but it's beautiful.


HE's brought me here, where things are clear

And trials turn to gold

He shared with me, His victory

He won in days of old


Oh Lord, I don't deserve

The riches of your word

But You've changed my filthy rags

To linen white as snow


The view from here is nothing near

To what it is for You

I tried to see Your plan for me

But I only acted like I knew


Oh Lord forgive the times

I tried to read your mind

Cause you said if I'd be still

Then I would hear your voice


My Lord, my King, my urge to sing

And praise the things above

No words can say the glorious way

You changed me with your love


He's brought me low, so I could know

The way to reach the heights

To forsake my dreams, my self esteem

And give up all my rights


With each one that I lay down

A jewel's placed in my crown

Cause His love, the things above

Is all we'll ever need


He's brought me here, where things are clear

And trials turn to gold ...



THESE are my favorite lines:

I tried to see Your plan for me
But I only acted like I knew
Oh Lord forgive the times
I tried to read your mind
Cause you said if I'd be still
Then I would hear your voice


Wow.
 
(((ER)))
 
brudder,
My thoughts are that mama has been a very good person her whole life and God is not going to give her more pain or misery than he has to for reasons unknown to us. This time he's giving us now is so we have no doubts that we have done all we could to make her life as good as possible. My prayers are as they were for our Dad, to recover and come home, but if it is her time to at least make it home where she will be more at ease. All we can do is hope and pray that God makes the decision that we want. Everyone we both know is praying day and night for us all and that's a comfort.
 
Thou who hast brought us to this
naked life of the soul,
Thou who broodest
On the face of the waters, wilt
Thou, some evening on earth,
relate
The tale of the hand that wraps
us in the burning shirt of
Nessus?
(St.John Perse, translated by WH Auden and Leif Sjoeberg)

in Markings by Dag Hammarskjoeld
 
Keeping Mama ER and all your family in my thoughts.
 
Your mother, you and your family are in my prayers, guy.
 
Re, "This time he's giving us now is so we have no doubts that we have done all we could to make her life as good as possible."

Amen.

Brudder and I were with Daddy ER when he died. Brudder did mouth-to-mouth and showed me how to do heart massage. I've never had any doubts that we literally did all we could do for him.

Same with Mama ER. She is in the best place on earth she could be, and she has had all of her babies with her over the past few weeks. She knows she's loved and that we all love her.
 
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