Rev. Erudite Redneck, B.S., B.S., M.A., M.Div.

By Ice-T

And this I saw in a vision, on the isle of Catmos ...

I heard the tinkly watery sound and the big swoosh sound come from the little room next to the room where my daddy sleeps, so I knew he was awake. I ran into the kitchen to stand by my feed bowl as usual.

Daddy came in and I watched his feet closely, as I always do, to see if he would go to the coffee pot or my feed bowl first. He didn't do either, which should have told me something was up.

All I know is I was just standing there in the kitchen one minute, and the next I was taken, and flying through the air! Then I went head first into some kind of portal! It was dark and cramped. There was one of my catnip toys and a comfy towel, but I was so scared I didn't play with the toy or pay any attention to the towel.

Then the dark, cramped place started moving for what seemed like forever. It got cold. Then it got warm and I heard strange noises and music and singing. I couldn't see anything but rays of light. I couldn't see my daddy but I could hear him. He was singing! I just knew it was The End for both of us!

After what seemed like forever, it got still. Everything stopped. Then I started moving again and it got cold, then it got warm again. It got still.

Then the face of the scariest-looking creature I ever saw appeared right in front of my face, separated from me only by some kind of mesh that I hadn't noticed before. The Scary Thing looked sort of like me, but was bigger and was white and gray and brown -- and had only one eye, as God is my witness, it had only one eye! Part of his head was even gone! I hissed! I hissed again!

Then I heard my daddy's voice. He was fussing at the monster, taking up for me, as usual. But I was so confused. I didn't know where I was, where my daddy was or what was going on.

Everything started moving again, then it got still, and another portal of some kind opened up and there were four strange hands and they had pointed sticky things in them and before I knew it I felt prickly feelings and I thought I was done for! My daddy's voice was faint, like he was far away! I was scared.

I thought, if this is Cat heaven, what must hell be like?

Then it all started over again! The portal disappeared. Everything moved again. It got cold, then warm, then cold, then warm and the world moved in strange ways and I heard the music and the singing again and my daddy's voice and all of a sudden I started smelling familiar smells and it got still.

And another portal opened. And there was my daddy! In our house! I climbed through the portal and jumped onto the floor. My daddy picked me up and held me and hugged me and said nice things to me.

I think it was just a dream. But I have a couple of sore spots. And I think I saw a new necklace for me with some new writing on it. My daddy left it in his big chair and said something about putting it on me later, since he needed to go to work.

That lady who lives here is sleeping late. I think I'll go bite her face.

--IT