Saturday, August 20, 2005
"Bovine perfection"
By The Erudite Redneck
In a former life, ol ER was a farm-and-ranch editor. I attended more county stock shows than I can remember.
It was a hoot. Used to write stories about those kids and take pictures of 'em with their cattle and hogs and chickens and turkeys and meat pens (rabbits) and all. I'd put 'em in the paper and mail 5-by-7's of the breed champions and reserve champions, along with their auction buyers.
It beat the hell out of what I do for a living these days, which ain't bad, but it ain't the fun I had back then.
Some of my favorite possessions are old thank-you cards and letters from kiddos who are now grown, sayin' things like, "Thank you, Mr. Redneck, for the picture of my heifer."
I still remember the language that livestock judges routinely use in assessing the quality of whichever critter they were judging at the time.
A good heifer has, for example, is something like "long-bodied with smooth, well laid-in shoulders and a long, narrow head, with tremendous mammary capacity."
A good steer needs to be, oh, maybe "level and square from hooks to pins" and have "structural correctness on feet and legs" and be "trim in the brisket" or some such.
Which is why this little blurb from The Onion cracks me plumb UP:
ELLENDALE, ND — Dickey County Fair livestock judge Bernard Hodelnutt called a heifer named Bessany "the sort of near-divine creation that inspired Zeus Himself to appear in the form of an amorous bull."
"In all my years of cattle judging, I have never beheld such bovine perfection," said Hodelnutt, 52, who first encountered the 2-year-old Brown Swiss at the fairground's stock pavilion Sunday. "My fellow judges and I agree that we are unworthy of assaying such transcendent cowflesh. Our paltry ribbons and trinkets make meager tribute to this demigoddess, who should assume her place beside mighty Taurus in the heavens."
After viewing the animal, Hodelnutt and the other judges cast their rating books and badges into a vat of boiling funnel cakes and cut out their own eyes lest they be fouled by the sight of less graceful beasts.
Hoot! Woot! Moo-t!
--ER
In a former life, ol ER was a farm-and-ranch editor. I attended more county stock shows than I can remember.
It was a hoot. Used to write stories about those kids and take pictures of 'em with their cattle and hogs and chickens and turkeys and meat pens (rabbits) and all. I'd put 'em in the paper and mail 5-by-7's of the breed champions and reserve champions, along with their auction buyers.
It beat the hell out of what I do for a living these days, which ain't bad, but it ain't the fun I had back then.
Some of my favorite possessions are old thank-you cards and letters from kiddos who are now grown, sayin' things like, "Thank you, Mr. Redneck, for the picture of my heifer."
I still remember the language that livestock judges routinely use in assessing the quality of whichever critter they were judging at the time.
A good heifer has, for example, is something like "long-bodied with smooth, well laid-in shoulders and a long, narrow head, with tremendous mammary capacity."
A good steer needs to be, oh, maybe "level and square from hooks to pins" and have "structural correctness on feet and legs" and be "trim in the brisket" or some such.
Which is why this little blurb from The Onion cracks me plumb UP:
ELLENDALE, ND — Dickey County Fair livestock judge Bernard Hodelnutt called a heifer named Bessany "the sort of near-divine creation that inspired Zeus Himself to appear in the form of an amorous bull."
"In all my years of cattle judging, I have never beheld such bovine perfection," said Hodelnutt, 52, who first encountered the 2-year-old Brown Swiss at the fairground's stock pavilion Sunday. "My fellow judges and I agree that we are unworthy of assaying such transcendent cowflesh. Our paltry ribbons and trinkets make meager tribute to this demigoddess, who should assume her place beside mighty Taurus in the heavens."
After viewing the animal, Hodelnutt and the other judges cast their rating books and badges into a vat of boiling funnel cakes and cut out their own eyes lest they be fouled by the sight of less graceful beasts.
Hoot! Woot! Moo-t!
--ER
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OK, this is funny, because since I last reported here, I have been to a livestock judgin'. My niece had a 1,400-pound steer in the county fair.
Figured it worth a red ribbon, given to the also-runs. Her dad, her mom, even the beef expert down the road figured it not worthy of a blue ribbon, to which my poor niece was upset because she'd done well at the fair this year and had collected grand champine and reserve champine and blues all the way through. Wanted to make nothing less than a blue this entire fair, that was her goal.
So they hauled their seven market steers into the ring. You could tell niece's steer wasn't the best, but, heck, I couldn't tell which one was. One girl couldn't control her animal, and it bucked all over the ring. A touch nervous, I'd reckon.
Niece's steer was calm as could be, even with the other steer nearly mountin' him. Then the judge lined 'em up, and niece's steer was right in the middle. Didn't know the judge's preference on the steers, but niece was assured fourth place either direction the judge went, and she was beaming.
Nothing less than a blue ribbon this year's fair. She was more excited than the girl whose steer was named grand champine. Of course, that was the bucker, so that could've been the reason, too.
Figured it worth a red ribbon, given to the also-runs. Her dad, her mom, even the beef expert down the road figured it not worthy of a blue ribbon, to which my poor niece was upset because she'd done well at the fair this year and had collected grand champine and reserve champine and blues all the way through. Wanted to make nothing less than a blue this entire fair, that was her goal.
So they hauled their seven market steers into the ring. You could tell niece's steer wasn't the best, but, heck, I couldn't tell which one was. One girl couldn't control her animal, and it bucked all over the ring. A touch nervous, I'd reckon.
Niece's steer was calm as could be, even with the other steer nearly mountin' him. Then the judge lined 'em up, and niece's steer was right in the middle. Didn't know the judge's preference on the steers, but niece was assured fourth place either direction the judge went, and she was beaming.
Nothing less than a blue ribbon this year's fair. She was more excited than the girl whose steer was named grand champine. Of course, that was the bucker, so that could've been the reason, too.
Teditor, it pleases me to no end that you and I can talk bovines with some genuine familiarity -- and don't none of you pervs read anything into that your ornt! :-)
Oh yeah? Well a minister friend and I have gone to some 4-H pig-judging as a part of our rural entertainment. That's what happens when you get out there too far from the movie theaters. The kids in his church did right well and were pleased to have us look at their animals. It was interesting learning about what the judges looked for when deciding which piggie was cuter than the next.
Cuter???
I see a wonderful animal when I look at a pig, a Duroc or Spot or Hampshire or any other of the old breeds, anyway.
It's a magical critter! Chops! Hocks! Bacon! Roast! Shoulder! Tenderloin! Jowels! And the skin. Lord Amighty, let us not fergit the rind!
But cute!?!
I see a wonderful animal when I look at a pig, a Duroc or Spot or Hampshire or any other of the old breeds, anyway.
It's a magical critter! Chops! Hocks! Bacon! Roast! Shoulder! Tenderloin! Jowels! And the skin. Lord Amighty, let us not fergit the rind!
But cute!?!
I like a ham sammich as much as the next guy, but cute? Gotta agree with ER on that one.
Cows ain't cute neither, but they do make a nice steak.
Cows ain't cute neither, but they do make a nice steak.
I did a see cute weanling pig once -- with anb apple in its mouth!
And I must confess that the calf them city slickers saved in "City Slickers" -- I b'lieve his name was Norman -- was sorta cute. A little. Maybe. Some.
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And I must confess that the calf them city slickers saved in "City Slickers" -- I b'lieve his name was Norman -- was sorta cute. A little. Maybe. Some.
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